Being Choosy

Traditional wisdom states that men are less choosy than women when it comes to dating and selecting a potential mate for raising offspring. Historically, people assumed that this was based on an evolutionary perspective - women having far fewer chances of passing on their genes and it being a lot more risky to do so with the wrong partner choice. But is that really true?

I have met a lot of guys who are far more picky than a lot of the girls I know. In fact, sometimes girls seem to be less choosy simply because they have more options! This is sort of a catch-22 because since men were so indiscriminate with choosing partners, this has really opened the door for women to "taste test" many varieties before choosing one. It seems women are often at a real advantage when it comes to dating because they can have their cake and eat it too, so to speak.

Nowadays, the doors have been flung wide open for women to "experiment" with multiple partners before selecting one with which to procreate, often with very few serious consequences. The same cannot always be said for men, who still must compete against one another in a very difficult world of dating. In my opinion, sometimes this intense competition for guys to "get a girl" increases the odds that the guy will literally just stop caring and thus will eventually become a perpetual bachelor. Guys who don't have the looks, money, personality, etc. to attract many women will stop approaching women and asking them out for fear of getting shot down, as an act of preserving their own self-esteem. This process changes the game completely.


One recent study published in Psychological Science (by Finkel and Eastwick) tested an interesting theory about the relative choosiness of men and women. They argued that perhaps the act of merely approaching a woman to ask her out was enough to give a man the indication that this is an act worth pursuing...

They tested this in a series of 15 heterosexual speed dating events, involving 350 young men and women. Each participant went on about 12 dates, but the researchers changed the rules: In these events, the women and men approached each other about equally. Following each date, each participant rated the other for romantic desire and romantic chemistry. They also rated their own sense of self-confidence on the date. A bit later, they decided thumbs up or thumbs down.

The results were a score. As reported on-line in the journal Psychological Science, the well-known gender difference vanished when men and women assumed more egalitarian roles. The difference didn’t completely reverse when women were on the move. That is, their choosiness went away but they didn’t become more indiscriminate than men. This suggests that the ancient tendencies may still have some force, but they are also reinforced by arbitrary social norms. What’s more, it was increased self-confidence that appeared to make the difference: Simply standing and being on the move boosted confidence, which in turn boosted romantic attraction.

We don’t speed date through real life, of course, but there are all sorts of social conventions based on gender, and these presumably shape romantic feelings and actions. Having men behave more like women and women more like men appears at least to narrow this one gap between the sexes.

The women in this study were no more selective than men. How's that for defying social norms! When men and women approach each other equally - throwing the old conventions of dating out the window - the well-known gender difference in pickiness vanished! I love this type of research because it shows just how arbitrary our ideas of gender roles are. Men and women can both be picky and they can both be indiscriminate. What matters most is the context in which the behavior exists, and a little bit self-esteem for good measure.

Ebb and Flow

These are my thoughts on change. The never static life that consumes us...


To be truly happy, I believe one thing you have to do is become very comfortable with perpetual ebb and flow. Constant change surrounds us and changes us. Becoming really comfortable with ups and downs, ins and outs, and ebbs and flows of who you think you are and what you think of everything around you is harder than it seems. Just take food as an example, in the last decade I have completely adopted entirely new eating habits (poorer eating habits, some would argue!) and just as I feel certain that almost nothing has changed about me in the last 10 years, I know with absolute clarity that nearly everything has! Take clothing as another example, or language for that matter. What words did you use as a 10 year old that you would never dare utter today? This may seem obvious to you, and not worth mentioning, but it is. All things change given time, and life. Take a journey with me...

How might a person harness change for good? What has society's role been in teaching us that we must change from this...


To this...


And who's to say which one is better? What if being "healthy" isn't your cup of tea? Where's this 'CHANGE NOW!' demand coming from? Is it within us? Is it innate?

Look around at those who you consider friends. Chances are that in the next 10 years, some may not be, and others who you do not yet know may take their places. Interpersonal relationships are one of the most dynamic forces in human lives. They are constantly changing, developing, deteriorating, or in some way becoming different than they were previously. One thing we don't do is stay the same. Think of your 3 closest girlfriends, chances are at least one of them (most likely 2 of them) will become a divorcee in her lifetime. You can't tell me that's because of the media and pop-culture discouraging everlasting marriage. Or can you? Why do people who were once in love change so dramatically? What are the precursors to this substantial change and how might we measure and predict it? Is that even possible? If we could bottle change, what would it look like?

How does a culture change from this...


To this....


And again, the million dollar question is WHY. What spurs this kind of cultural change and interpersonal change? What factors are involved in real change? Is any change permament? Better yet, is it ever possible for something to remain unchanged? Is there a thing on this planet that has never changed?

The exact degree to which we change each day, with each waking hour, cannot yet be measured, but I am without a doubt that it's a large amount. Over the course of your life, how many cars will you drive, residences will you live in, or friends will you make? Of those, how many will be with you from birth until death?

What is the nature of change and, more importantly, how is it that some people live their entire lives without asking themselves this question? Are we fundamentally unaware? Are we programmed to perceive real change as insignificant and minute? A popular psychologist believes it comes down to this: Each of us is trapped in a time, a place, and a circumstance and our attempts to use our minds to transcend these boundaries are more often than not ineffective. In essence, the human brain is not particularly sensitive to change, it seems.



And even with all these questions, I, sadly, have no answers with which to leave you. All I have is this quote from a great contemporary author:

With the exception of a few moments of time in my life, particularly those spent with the ones I love, I sometimes think I've passed through life with no more awareness than that of a small child on a long car ride, staring out the window as the scenery rolled past.

"Tender Years" Doctrine

In the 1990s the so-called Tender Years Doctrine was abolished in the courts. This doctrine essentially stated that mothers were the more "fit" parents to give care to their children under 7 years of age. This was an old-school mentality even for the time, and it was overturned legally - but not always figuratively - in order to rule on custody cases with an unbiased eye. In theory, both parents (male or female) should be able and willing to care for children after a divorce. What's surprising as of late is a complete reversal to this system; instead of mothers being seen as the more able-bodied parent, fathers are now being viewed as just as capable if not moreso. I see this as welcome news! Congratulations to us all for realizing that it takes two people to make a baby as well as to care for one! Wow.

In that same vein, however, some groups are advocating that this reversal is backlash for mothers working outside the home. The full story was covered on NPR recently and can be read on the website. The premise is that women who work will not be as involved in the children's lives and do not have as much reason to be granted full custody in situations where both parents are working. I agree that when both parents are working then both parents have less time for child-rearing (just as a matter of how many hours are in the day) but this shouldn't be construed to mean that one is any less EFFECTIVE at parenting than the other. I mean, shouldn't both parents be equally involved in the children's upbringing, hence a 50/50 custody arrangement? Call me naive or idealistic but that's my honest opinion. I know that sometimes with some careers, a parent can have more or less time and resources to provide for children following a divorce, but they still need to be equally involved. Period. I don't exactly see how a woman working outside the home should be viewed by divorce courts any differently than a man who works outside the home. The real issue, it seems, is that gender stereotypes are not completely dissolved. The problem we have today is that "when a mom is working long hours, she's held to a higher standard" and that needs to change. Our strict mindsets of 'who' is better at 'what' need to change.



When I was young, my mom worked outside the home AND inside the home because she didn't have any other option. She was a single parent with four kids and that was what she had to do. If given the option, I am sure she wouldn't have worked BUT without that luxury, she did what was necessary. I hope all parents want to do that for their kids. Not everyone has the luxury of being able to stay at home, certainly not in most families today! And that's not so bad. Seeing your parents work hard - at home and/or in the workplace - for things they really care about is one of the best lessons you can teach kids. But it doesn't have to be the way things used to be. It should be whatever works for you and your family at this moment, given the circumstances of your life. I think courts should take more time to evaluate each case rather than making life-altering and potentially WRONG decisions with little information. Or, barring any child endangerment or abuse, BOTH parents should automatically get a 50/50 split on custody. Give me one good reason it should be any other way.

Think twice before you 'Just Do It'

Oh, the perils of being Tiger Woods. My heart goes out to Elin and all spouses who endure the horrors of an unfaithful marriage. But how much of it is our business? I like to think that I don't easily get wrapped up in the drama of Hollywood and sports, but the fact of the matter is that when you are widely considered the world's best (and highest paid) athlete, you have an obligation to the public. I wish he would have refrained from Nike's trademark and NOT just done it. But where do Elin and Tiger go from here? Some who are close to Elin say that she should have used a tire iron or an oversized club instead of a wimpy 3-iron to smash his car windows. Others say that she is lucky because now she's sitting on a cool $3 Million just because her pre-nup states that if he cheats she gets an automatic paycheck. How weird is that? Can we put price tags on adultery? Damn. I don't know where this leaves the two of them, but I hope they don't start a divorce and custody battle over this because the kids deserve better parents than that.

When Everything Changed

Gail Collins, a former New York Times Editor, recently wrote an amazing book called When Everything Changed. This book recounts the story of American women from 1960 to 2008 and all the things that changed in between.



For those who think that women's issues are not important and that the feminist movements were unsuccessful, read this book. The history of American women over the last 50 years is just astounding. We have made gigantic leaps in terms of our rights and how society views us. We are no longer relegated to the strengths and weaknesses once bestowed upon us by our culture and environments. Most people recognize that the number of women in the workplace has changed dramatically, but people don't realize that now women can take out credit cards, play sports, attend schools without discrimination, and wear pants everyday!! We cannot take these important strides for granted. The power of the changes that have taken place is hard to ignore. Let's relish in the knowledge that women are getting it done. Pick up the book!