I'm still an all-or-nothing kinda girl

I've been thinking about relationships lately. Not that this is anything new. It's what consumes most of my free thought. Those who know me well know this.

I've come to realize that all my life, I've been an all-or-nothing type of girl. I like to have something in its entirety if I'm going to expend effort to have it at all. Emphasis: I like to have something in its entirety. That's the ideal state for me. But do I get this? No, not really.

My goal is simple. I want to know a person inside-out, anticipate his thoughts, fears and joys, and be able to feel like I really know what this person is all about. And that takes time.....Precious time.

There are different levels of spending time or energy on a person. Here are a few:

• I feel like he is accessible when I need him
• He wants to be accessible when I need him

(These first two desires are both pretty standard, in my opinion)

• He should continually make himself accessible at a moment's notice, in case I need him

(This last one is pushing it...and borders on nutty)

See, I can disambiguate non-crazy from crazy, passionate from psychotic, caring from obsession. I am not a control freak. I am not possessive. I am not dependent. I would argue that all the ingredients for a successful relationship are there, in my head. More than likely, the trouble is that I meet people who desire different quantities of these ingredients, or want them put in a different order. But on this issue, I know I have the right stuff. I just haven't found the ideal mixture yet.

Relationships are a layered onion and learning the idiosyncracies of a person is not a passive process. It's work. All I ask is that someone will mutually put in the work, over and over and over and over and over.....

I hope to meet someone soon who I can sit across from and feel that this connection will change my life forever. Someone who will put in the work and never give up on "me" or "us." This person will allow me to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and fall backward. And he will be there to catch me (almost) every time.