Forgive and Forget

The old saying "forgive and forget" never quite resonated with me. What is forgiveness, exactly? Literature is rife with quotes and all-too-familiar definitions. Religion has a very specific way of describing it. But forgiveness for sins never made much sense to me. You have to believe someone has wronged you, or believe that you've wronged someone, in order to engage in the act of "forgiveness" and possibly even forgetting. The laws of the church don't apply this concept well. The self-condemnation that comes from following a socially-sanctioned moralistic conscience is a vicious circle and inhibits being whole.

The secular view of forgive and forget doesn't make sense to me either. Sure, we can go ahead and forgive, but what part of that transgression - the thing we are forgiving - must be relinquished before we have successfully and truly forgiven someone? Is it possible to forgive someone fully if you still hold on to little pieces of the hurt, the mistrust, or the fear? Or, by the very definition of forgiveness, must we forgive the act in every sense, all memories included?

To put it another way, why would humans have memories if the goal in life was to forget certain things? Granted, the human mind is a deep chasm of subjectivity when it comes to recalling supposed "memories" in the first place. But, the way we encode a memory and retrieve it does matter in terms of learning from our experiences. This could be a good thing then... this thing called remembering. We need those memories to remind us not to do certain things that caused pain, and to engage with more conviction the things that brought us joy. Learning from experience is only possible when we access, rely on, and apply our memories to future decisions.

Therefore, I decided a long time ago to "forgive but never forget" because I believe that you have to trust your own recollection of your experiences and use that to propel you forward and help you decide which turns to take on the road called life. The act of remembering your past is a powerful catalyst to making more informed decisions as life progresses. Who controls the past, controls the future.

But for the longest time I was still stuck trying to figure out what forgiveness is really all about. I figured it's dependent on the act that caused the rift, what made one feel the need to forgive, and assumptions about whether the forgiveness will change anything. But let me expand your mind for a moment. Maybe what forgiveness is about is actually pretty simple: telling the truth. Maybe the word forgiveness is not really forgiveness at all; rather, it is the act of leveling with oneself about the event(s) that transpired. Forgiveness, in this sense, is not about hearing "I'm sorry" or telling the person that he or she has been forgiven. Forgiveness isn't about letting go of anything at all. It's about understanding your version of "the truth" and putting that tidbit in a safe place in the back of your mind, where it can't haunt you anymore.

Maybe telling the truth about your anger is a way to get back to your experience of "being," where you love yourself and therefore have something left over with which to love someone else. Forgiveness is about taking responsibility for your mind and the things it does to you. Responsibility means that whatever you are doing, you are willing to experience yourself as the cause. A commitment to forgive, and by extension to free yourself of mental torment, must be based on the awareness of what is, and on the willingness to be responsible for ourselves the way we are now. When you are lying, when you are keeping a secret, you are withholding information and feelings in order to protect something meaningless, usually to preserve a constant state of being or equilibrium.

Today, it is my belief that forgiveness is necessary, but not on a social level. Forgiveness is an internal decision to be honest with yourself about your pain. Forgiveness feels good in this way because your mind is not burdened with the stigma, drama, or trauma that once characterized your thoughts. The primary cause of stress, depression, and anger is living in a story and lying to maintain it. Forgiveness, freeing your mind by telling the truth, is the only way out.

When you correct your mind, everything else falls into place. ~Lao Tzu

*Parts of this blog were adapted from the book Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life By Telling the Truth by Brad Blanton